Professional? Personal? Both? The tension of having one online identity

The email dropped into my inbox innocently enough. It was another invitation to join someone’s LinkedIn network, something I usually accept without a second thought. What harm could it possibly have to add another “connection?” I've come to terms with the fact that I’m a heavy internet user and an extreme extrovert; I like the instantly accessible accumulation of digital contacts that I have at my fingertips. A generation ago, no one would ever have dreamed of keeping in touch with a thousand people. Nowadays? Lots of people have more than a thousand Facebook friends. It’s incredible.

Before clicking the big yellow “Accept” box, I pulled up Facebook. Soon after, I realized they had defriended me on Facebook. Not only that, but they asked me to join their professional network afterwards?! I was incensed (not really) and looking for answers (OK, that part may be true). I had never encountered this situation before and was uncertain about what to do.

Honestly, I don’t take the defriending thing personally. I notice from time to time when I lose someone as a friend, but by accident rather than detective work. There are friends I met long ago that will never hear from me again and should be purged from my list. We lose touch, it’s natural. Furthermore, I totally respect people who want to only keep their best friends on Facebook or are looking out for their privacy. It’s a valid concern, trim away. I also understand why someone would take heavy posting as an irritation and want to be done with it. Me? I hide their feed and ignore them, but to each their own. I’ve only defriended a few people in my time and the act itself was kind of liberating. But I digress.

This isn’t about Facebook friend counts or my ego; it’s about the tension of having one online identity that has to comprise all the parts of you. We all have the boss, the relative, the little sister, or ex-girlfriend that we don’t want seeing our Facebook posts, our party photos, and our friends list. We’ve all agonized for hours about whether or not to list that relationship and how to handle these delicate situations without committing a faux pas. But LinkedIn can help you get a job, it has real utility. Unfortunately, sometimes that person you don’t want to see you doing a keg stand last Saturday night is the very person who can get your foot in the door at Google and God, you’d kill for that job. Even if they are that asshole who “likes” every inappropriate photo, they’re useful.

Like it or not, Google searches still turn up your LinkedIn, Facebook, and your headshots from band camp in 7th grade. You don’t get to hide that part. Your digital paper trail is forever and you can’t hide from the big bad interwebs. Which brings me to this guy: what was he thinking? If you’re asking to be my friend one place, you clearly know who I am-pleading ignorance is not an option. Was I a mass cleanse? Where does that leave us? Am I supposed to accept the request with a shit-eating grin? Was I irritating on Facebook but useful as a professional reference? Was it a careless oversight? How am I supposed to feel here? Am I even allowed to be offended?

Obviously, I’m over thinking this (as usual). As I’m preparing to uproot myself and head to business school, there’s a lot to contemplate. Who am I going to be able to keep in touch with? How do you turn the bonds of a convenient friendship into a lifelong one? Once I leave Los Angeles, I’m concerned about what will happen to my network here, even as I’m off building another one. I love the people in my life and I genuinely distress over the bonds of friendships I’ve lost over the years.

It’s been edifying and horrifying for me to realize that the big difference between lifelong friend and “Oh my god I haven’t seen you in a decade” at the reunion is 99% effort. It’s about returning phone calls and checking in every once in awhile. It’s about reaching out when you’re in town, even if you don’t manage to meet up. There are some folks I would have called among my best friends in college, when all that it took was a few steps down the hall, who have completely dropped off the face of the planet. Similarly, there are folks who were casual acquaintances in college who have put in the effort and become good friends. I used to hate the phone, now I rely on it as my only lifeline for a network of people I’d never stay in touch with otherwise. It all comes down to effort.

I guess what this all boils down to (other than an excessive, self-indulgent rant) is that we have a lot of say in the relationships that we want to maintain, but technology is creating new ways to connect to and offend people faster than we can handle. We can’t control the internet or how our friends behave online. But it’s starting to look like we’re wedded to this whole mess. I’m still figuring out how to keep in touch while being a professional. We all have to draw boundaries, but it’s interesting when the personal and the professional overlap so seamlessly. What do you do? As for me and this LinkedIn fellow, I haven’t decided what to do with him yet, but how do you turn your back on another connection? I guess there’s a first time for everything…